I bought two bags Saturday. One represents my 27 year old mind that needs reminded that it is OK to love myself and to do what’s right for me. The other is a gift to my inner child who has been struggling to hold on for dear life the past few years.
In my therapy session Saturday morning we talked about my inner child. I told Amy about my feelings of being to young to look at properties to rehab, and how I felt that others would perceive me as a kid and not take me seriously (irrational). I told her about how I used to write so often and create when I was younger, and that about the time I hit college and had to start taking life more seriously I had stopped doing those creative things I loved as a kid. The problem is now my inner child comes out at impractical times and is scared to death of a lot of things. Like buying huge old buildings to fix up and taking other “adult” steps. This leads me to feeling inadequate and “to young” when I have no reason to feel that way. So the goal is to combine my inner child with my 27 year old self to become a happier person and be truer to the real me.
I felt like walking after my signification other had left for work so I started down the street with a goal to look at the Owl purse. I have looked at this purse a couple of times now. There is a wonderful shop that opened up recently downtown that has some of the cutest bags and the neatest jewelry and I really like visiting it. I have never went shopping downtown by myself before despite having lived here for almost 2 years now. Sad, isn’t it? I’ve only in the last few weeks managed to get to where I can walk down the street in the mornings by myself (SA still flares when someone else is walking towards me on the sidewalk >_<), add to that small stores are hard for me to be comfortable in so I always take my sister or a friend. Saturday, though, I resolved to go, because I wanted to. I ended up staying in the store for 45 minutes or so looking at things, and buying the Owl bag and a peace sign bracelet. The bracelet is to remind me to breathe and to be at peace with myself.
The Owl purse is significant to me, not just because it’s a bit whimsical, but because it is an item I loved from the first moment I saw it but felt silly purchasing it. It’s one of those items that while I would love it on someone else, I end up feeling like I would look completely ridiculous with it and that it would draw attention to me. This is absurd, as it will look just as cool on me as it will on the next woman! Not to mention, owls are my sister’s thing and she has been my biggest supporter through my life dealing with SA, so the owl reminds me of all the hard work she’s done to help me and that it is now my turn to help myself.
Then, as I wandered back to my appartment, I stopped into another store that I go to much less frequently. Inside I found this wonderful drawstring backpack with a heart that says “i am love”. Not only do I really enjoy this style of backpack for a lot of things (namely running around conventions and theme parks), but the message spoke so loud and clear to me I couldn’t pass on it. It was like the universe was telling me I really needed to think more about love and how it effects my true self. I love and take care of so many other people and then neglect myself, and that needs to change. So I bought it as well, which is super unusual.. I dislike spending money on things like purses and bags. How many does one person need, after all?
So, not only did I do something I wanted to do by myself, I bought items that made me feel like I was really committing to this whole process. Over all I felt drained, but happy about the day. It definitely feels good to do the things you want to do.