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Burning Out – A Rant

31 Jul

I may get fired today. All I want to do is walk out of my office and yell at the top of my lungs: “You’re all a bunch of freaking morons! I give you all permission to go FUCK yourselves!” I’m pretty sure that means I’m on the verge of burn out, if I’m not already there.

Aside from the above overwhelming feeling of anger, my Facebook statuses today have been:

 If you can’t be bothered to save IMPORTANT email addresses in Outlook to your Contacts, and then something goes wrong and the magic, temporary “quick list” doesn’t work when you start to type a name in the “To:” field.. Don’t whine to me, because, honestly, I give absolutely no fucks. It’s your own freaking fault for not saving them if they were that damn important! Lazy freaking idiots..

And..

Also, we have a TICKET SYSTEM for you to submit your issues to. USE IT if you expect me to help you. If you can’t be bothered to submit the issue correctly so I can track the damn thing, screw off, I’ve got more important things to do then bend over backwards for you when you can’t even be bothered to take 5 extra minutes to SUBMIT IT CORRECTLY. #@%$ >_<

Ya, I am not a happy person today. I almost called in and took a mental health day. I thought about it for probably 30 minutes this morning before coming in, and decided I wouldn’t. But, the longer I’m here, and the more emails I get about stupid problems sent in by ungrateful people, the more I realize I should have.

Since I started on anti-depressants and my mood has come up from the depths, I’ve really began to understand how much I really, really don’t like my job. I’d like to note that this is not because it’s a terrible, god-awful job that no one could be extremely happy in, I’m just saying I’m not that specific person. Also, due to the political nature of how I even got this job, I’m pretty sure I’m not the best person for it to begin with. Maybe I was the first year or two, but now it needs someone else. Someone who can shake things up and make some much needed changes. I can’t be that person, for a variety of reasons.

For the last year or so I thought my dislike of my job was simply due to my own depression and anxiety. I thought “Well, maybe, just maybe, if I get to feeling better I will enjoy it more!”.

That was a fun lie while it lasted.

Once the anti-depressants started kicking in I started to understand how truly bored and frustrated I am with my job. I had a very long talk with a coworker friend the other night over ice cream about my job and the stuff I’ve had to deal with, and she agreed it sounds like complete rubbish and she doesn’t blame me for wanting out of it.

The thing that has a really torqued me off is not necessarily my end users and their inability to grasp the simplest instructions or even the fact that sometimes I get reported for “not doing my job” even though I DID do my job and the idiot reporting otherwise is just doing something on their end WRONG or they just want me to do more than my fair share.

No, what really bothers me is that my boss tells me I need to be more of a “manager” (though, he’s quick to follow that up with the fact that I am NOT management) and take more responsibility for our tech vendors and their shit. OK, fine, whatever. The problem with this is that one of our vendors has been doing IT for our company since the company started up, and I, in fact, used to work for this other IT company and that’s how I landed this job. The unfortunate fact of the matter is my boss believes this company can do not wrong and goes to them all the time for things.. things he should NOT go to them for.

Basically, this last year I got my shit together and asked for a raise. I gave him a range of pay I thought would be fair for me to be making. What did my boss do with my request? He went to this IT vendor and asked THEM if it made sense for me to make that much! I have never felt so stepped on in my life. I went through hours and hours of work, putting together a massive amount of information on how AWESOME of a job I do and how my workload has increased over 500% since I started working, and he praised me about what a wonderful job I did putting the info together and how it was obvious I was an amazing employee.. and then he goes and asks an OUTSIDE VENDOR who I am supposed to MANAGE on a daily basis what the fuck I should be making.

-_-;

Ya, needless to say I’m not happy, and my latest want is to get out of this job. And, I apologize for this random rant, but I had to get it out somewhere, otherwise I’d end up packing my things up in a box this afternoon and going home.  Unfortunately, I can’t do that yet, as I need the health insurance to continue my therapy. And I need to get well before I can venture out into the big ‘ole world again. The more I am in therapy, the more I feel justified in feeling that I’m to bright and to creative to be wasting away at this job.

If you made it all the way through that I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I’ll try to make my next entry a little happier!

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7 Comments

Posted by on July 31, 2012 in Burn Out, Mental Health, Stress, Work

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

7 responses to “Burning Out – A Rant

  1. Ryan W. Gates

    July 31, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    I have also wanted to leave my job as it is often the source of my anxiety…however it is the source of my income and health insurance. So, I stopped thinking of it as something I had to do and started looking for the things I liked/wanted to do at work. Since then I have been fortunate enough to take on projects that have greater interest to me, cut back the things I hate doing, and have found great joy in the simple things.

    The old quote “misery loves company” is true…we all love to rant and share why we are ticked off/sad (myself included). The best tip my therapist gave me when I was depressed is so simple. Every time you have a negative thought – think of anything that makes you happy or proud…because negative thoughts lead to more negative thoughts. Break the cycle up a bit. Give yourself some credit. Also, when you feel down make sure you spend some time with someone who is feeling good. Misery loves company…its tough to be around someone chipper…but it rubs off.

    Fuck what your boss said. Be proud of what you know you do in your job and be happy with yourself. If your boss is being a dick…your boss probably hates the job more than you do. Chin up, I’m rooting for you!

     
    • River Hawthorn

      July 31, 2012 at 8:22 pm

      I stopped thinking of it as something I had to do and started looking for the things I liked/wanted to do at work.

      Unfortunately, I’m in the wrong profession completely so this is rather difficult to do. You see, back when I was in college, I started out in the Web Design degree track. However, after only one semester in the program, they decided to cut it out of the degree offerings completely. I was then forced to switch majors and opted for one of the remaining two that the credits I had earned would transfer to. Thus, I became an IT Specialist not because of any real desire to fix computers and deal with help desk issues all day, but because I was extremely lost and new I could do it and not be bad at it. I never intended to stay in this field as long as I have, and am only still here because I was convinced by everyone else that the job I currently have was an amazing opportunity I should take. Should is a word my therapist no longer allows me to use, because instead of doing things I want to do I have a tendency to do what everyone else thinks I should do, thus making myself miserable in an attempt to make everyone else happy and proud of me! I honestly have no desire to stay in this industry at all, and am ready to do something that has absolutely nothing to do with computers, unless it involves teaching how to use them.

      I do appreciate the kind words 🙂 It could be that I really just need a decent length break from work to relax and de-stress. Here in the next few months I have a couple of scheduled vacations coming up, so maybe that will clear my head!

       
  2. Kim

    July 31, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    Don’t worry about ranting – in my opinion, that’s one of the great benefits of having a blog! You not only get to blow off a little steam, but take some time to explore your thoughts and identify things that you want to change.

     
    • River Hawthorn

      July 31, 2012 at 8:23 pm

      Thanks, Kim! It definitely helped me feel a bit better ^_^

       
  3. escapingdarkness

    August 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    We all need a good rant and where better to do it than here. I know how you feel re the “users” that ring up sometimes. They can be quite frustrating.
    Youre Manager sounds like a “insert word here”!

    And I get that you definitely need to get well before you look for a new job, so you are in the right frame of mind. I dont even bother to look at other jobs at the moment, because I am definitely not in the right frame of mind or well enough to go through the whole process of interviews and starting a new job. All of it would cause too much anxiety and I dont want my panic attacks to come back. I hate interviews!!!

    I hope today is a better day for you. Kat 🙂

     
  4. Bunny Eats Design

    August 1, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Start looking for a new job. Life is too short to spend that much time doing something that kills your spirit.

     
    • River Hawthorn

      August 6, 2012 at 1:19 pm

      I’m working on it. I’m trying to figure out what it is that interests me. I don’t want to stay in IT anymore, it’s just not making me happy. Unfortunately, after so many years of being immersed in it, it’s hard to see myself doing anything else!

       

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