I can’t breath this morning. I went on my usual walk and tried my deep breathing like Amy recommended, but I couldn’t manage it. Every person I saw made me feel more anxiety, every car that passed me made me feel self conscious, every unfamiliar noise made me paranoid. I’m suffocating.
The days off were amazing, and the Yoga instructor last night told me I did way better than my first night. I know why that was, because my body wasn’t so rigid with stress and fear. The vacation had made my mind, body, and spirit relax. She asked me if I still thought I needed a private session since I was doing so much better, I told her yes because I knew by the end of the week I’d be worse again.
Sure enough my chest and guts feel tight today, like I’m clenching muscles I didn’t know I could clench. I only notice it because I relaxed so much while I was away, and this morning the sensation has made me gag at least once. I honestly feel like the pressure in my stomach is going to make me physically ill. I can’t seem to release any of the tension.
At our last meeting over a week ago, Amy and I came to the conclusion that I’m a worst case scenario person and I make a big deal out of every little thing. I think this is part of my problem this morning. I have been gone from work for 4 days, and I haven’t checked any emails or anything, so I feel like I’m going into a mess that I won’t know how to deal with.
My boss also denied me the unpaid time off I requested to go see my brother for a week. I needed two additional days of time off to do this, and he told me it was against company policy to take unpaid time off.. This hasn’t helped the suffocating feelings any at all.
Well, I’m going to go ahead and clock in early and see about catching up on missed emails. Maybe then I’ll feel more ready for my 8 o’clock start time. Wish me luck, I think it might be a rough week!