Life is Hard – Change is Harder

15 Oct

The last month has been a rough battle of internal turmoil and decision making. I haven’t written here for fear of the wrong person seeing the stuff I wanted to spill out before I was ready to talk about it.

Last night I shared with my significant other my plans for the future and how they didn’t involve him. After nearly three years together, I told him I would be going my own way next year so that I can start out on my journey to see the world. It was a hard declaration to make.

The feeling of fear I woke up with this morning at the realization that I’ve begun ripping my tidy, safe world apart just so I can start moving towards my dreams is indescribable. I feel guilty for wanting to do this and for telling him it was time for us to start down this path of seperation. I feel guilty that our lease is up January 1st and he has to find a place to live in two months that he can afford, while I’m taking the easy route and moving back in with my parents. I feel scared that I’m making the wrong decision. I’m afraid that I’ll regret this.

Have I gone insane? What reasonable person would give up an agreeable living arrangement with one of the few decent human beings on the planet to wander off into the big unknown alone? What is wrong with me that I can’t just be happy with a nice guy, a good job, a lovely apartment, and two sweet cats?


I’m very sure I need to do this. Even if I fail in the end, I need to at least try. Even though I feel supremely selfish in my decision to chase after my own happiness over keeping him happy, I know that this is the right decision and that if I don’t do it now I will never do it and I will resent everyone involved. I need to learn to put myself first. To quit playing mom to everyone who is hurting at the expense of my own happiness and well being. I have to stop trying to squish myself into the mold society has selected for me when I, very obviously, don’t fit in it.

All this being said, the plan is to leave for New Zealand in July/August of 2013. I will be getting a working holiday visa and plan to travel and work there for 6-12 months. I then hope to hop over to Thailand for a bit, and then maybe visit some friends in Europe. This is all dependent upon cost, of course, and one of the reason’s I’m moving back in with my parents is so I can put the maximum amount of my money into savings over the next several months.

I know a lot of people will think I’m crazy for doing this. So far the people I have chosen to tell what’s going on have been very supportive and think it’s great that I’m going (except my parents who are terrified for me!) so that’s been helpful. Now it’s just a matter of getting through the next couple of months with my significant other and tying up all the loose ends. It’s going to be an emotional time, but I hope we’ll both come out the other end only lightly scathed.

Hopefully now that I’ve started this phase of personal change I will be able to post a little more regularly again. I hope everyone is well and that everyone is in a less stressful place then I am at the moment!


Posted by on October 15, 2012 in Burn Out, Depression, Life, Stress, Travel


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 responses to “Life is Hard – Change is Harder

  1. manicjenn

    October 16, 2012 at 10:41 am

    I think you are so brave. I almost didn’t go for my dreams because of similar reasons and it was lonely and scary going it alone, but you won’t feel alone forever. I would be a totally different person today if I had not gone (away into the military). I met new people, learned so many new things, and spent 8 years of my life becoming someone better than I thought I could ever have been. I am excited for you!

    It is good that you are learning early in life that you cannot live to make others happy. It is secondary to yourself. I know that I wouldn’t want anyone to sacrifice their dreams to be with me…I would feel terrible. You sound like you are doing it with love and compassion. I was not that way at all. I was offensive and rude…broke his heart on my way out.


    • River Hawthorn

      October 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment! I really needed the encouragement. I was so psyched and excited and now that I’ve actually started the process of separating and things are becoming real, I’m having second thoughts! I am really lucky in the fact that he is being super supportive and wants me to do what makes me happy. He is very excited for me and has already said that if I change my mind and stay that I better be doing it because I want to and not for his sake. Honestly, this almost makes it harder to leave him!

      I’m sorry that you left yours roughly, but it sounds like it turned out for the best! I think you are waaay braver than I am, I could never join the military and I admire the people who have what it takes to! Thank you again for the supportive words, they were exactly what I was needing today 🙂

      • manicjenn

        October 16, 2012 at 1:56 pm

        Awww, you’re so welcome! I am glad that it helped! He sounds like he really loves you~ That is real love: when you truly want that person to be happy above all else. Sorry! Now I made it harder! lol

        You’re lucky to have support. When I made my decision to go, I used the idea of what would I be happier about on my deathbed (regardless of when that may be): making everyone else happy…who may not even be there by my side any longer…or living my life fully without fear. I hope to hear all about your preparations and adventures!


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