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Category Archives: Burn Out

Life is Hard – Change is Harder

The last month has been a rough battle of internal turmoil and decision making. I haven’t written here for fear of the wrong person seeing the stuff I wanted to spill out before I was ready to talk about it.

Last night I shared with my significant other my plans for the future and how they didn’t involve him. After nearly three years together, I told him I would be going my own way next year so that I can start out on my journey to see the world. It was a hard declaration to make.

The feeling of fear I woke up with this morning at the realization that I’ve begun ripping my tidy, safe world apart just so I can start moving towards my dreams is indescribable. I feel guilty for wanting to do this and for telling him it was time for us to start down this path of seperation. I feel guilty that our lease is up January 1st and he has to find a place to live in two months that he can afford, while I’m taking the easy route and moving back in with my parents. I feel scared that I’m making the wrong decision. I’m afraid that I’ll regret this.

Have I gone insane? What reasonable person would give up an agreeable living arrangement with one of the few decent human beings on the planet to wander off into the big unknown alone? What is wrong with me that I can’t just be happy with a nice guy, a good job, a lovely apartment, and two sweet cats?

Breathe.

I’m very sure I need to do this. Even if I fail in the end, I need to at least try. Even though I feel supremely selfish in my decision to chase after my own happiness over keeping him happy, I know that this is the right decision and that if I don’t do it now I will never do it and I will resent everyone involved. I need to learn to put myself first. To quit playing mom to everyone who is hurting at the expense of my own happiness and well being. I have to stop trying to squish myself into the mold society has selected for me when I, very obviously, don’t fit in it.

All this being said, the plan is to leave for New Zealand in July/August of 2013. I will be getting a working holiday visa and plan to travel and work there for 6-12 months. I then hope to hop over to Thailand for a bit, and then maybe visit some friends in Europe. This is all dependent upon cost, of course, and one of the reason’s I’m moving back in with my parents is so I can put the maximum amount of my money into savings over the next several months.

I know a lot of people will think I’m crazy for doing this. So far the people I have chosen to tell what’s going on have been very supportive and think it’s great that I’m going (except my parents who are terrified for me!) so that’s been helpful. Now it’s just a matter of getting through the next couple of months with my significant other and tying up all the loose ends. It’s going to be an emotional time, but I hope we’ll both come out the other end only lightly scathed.

Hopefully now that I’ve started this phase of personal change I will be able to post a little more regularly again. I hope everyone is well and that everyone is in a less stressful place then I am at the moment!

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Posted by on October 15, 2012 in Burn Out, Depression, Life, Stress, Travel

 

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Profit vs Progress – A Personal Struggle

The path to progress and profit

Image taken from an article on Good.Is titled Progress vs Profit

I am at a cross roads in my life. My current job pays the bills with extra to stash away in the bank, it has good benefits, and I am basically completely independent and can prioritize my day in any way as long as it benefits the company and stuff gets done.

However, my job does not make me happy. I do not feel like I am accomplishing anything, that I am giving back in any way, or that I am being challenged at all. There is no growth here, those above me on the food chain I often think are idiots or spineless, and a lot of my comments or suggestions fall on deaf ears. I take attitude from my users, tell my boss, and am told to “bite the bullet”. I ask for a reasonable raise, and I’m told that my boss has consulted the vendors that work for me and that they say that doesn’t seem reasonable. I do not hate my coworkers, but I enjoy the company of very few and have even fewer that I have a anything in common with. There is no creativity here. There is no self expression. It is a dull and lifeless place full of squabbling hens and cocky roosters.

I have decided I want nothing more to do with this “easy” life path to Profit, I want a fulfilling one that challenges me. I still want to Profit so I can pay my bills and feel financially secure, but I also want to feel like I’m on the path to Progress and doing something with myself and the world around me.  Not only does the squiggly line look like the harder path but it looks like there are way more chances for adventure on it. And my life, thus far, has been seriously lacking in any real adventures.

Growing up I always thought that money = freedom and debt = prison. I needed a lot of money to live a fulfilling life and to have a real sense of self-worth. I believed that up until I started writing this entry.  Money is a prison for me. The more I make, the more I need, and the less secure I feel. I keep saying that once I am making a certain amount of money a year, or have a certian amount in the bank, I will feel less stressed and more secure, but the closer I get to that goal the more anxiety I feel. The more money I have in the bank the worse I feel about buying anything at all. The bigger my financial cushion the more terrified I become of falling, failing, and losing it.

I feel better being able to mull over this internally and look forward to hearing Amy’s (and anyone else’s) thoughts on it. I don’t really know how I am going to get over my unhealthy relationship with money, but I’m ready for something to derail me from the Profit Path and get me started down the line with a little more Progress in it.

 

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Just Another Week

This is how my therapist has to explain things to me some days. Some concepts are just so foreign they have to be broken down word by word, but once they are they make perfect sense! I swear the above comic is exactly how my therapy sessions go from start to finish, and it makes me laugh to simplify it that much.

The rest of the week so far hasn’t been to bad. I was right on Tuesday, things were a mess, but I powered through the day, handled it all really well and felt accomplished by the end. Now that it’s almost Friday I’m already feeling burnt out again though. Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

I really didn’t have a chance to plan any goals for this week, and I haven’t been doing my walks in the morning like I was the last couple of weeks. The convention has really thrown off my schedule and I have been feeling blah since I got home because of the lack of physical activity. Hoping by next Monday I can get back on track!  Yoga on Saturday morning and Monday evening, and hopefully back to the gym for Mon, Wed, and Fri lunch hour. Back to the regular posting schedule of Mon, Wed, Fri too I hope.

I will leave you with the following because I’m going to print it out and put it in my journal for inspiration on the bad days, and thought it might be helpful to others as well.

 

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Good Vibes

My schedule was all sorts of fail last week, so I apologize for my absence!  This week I will be leaving on Wednesday to go to LeakyCon in Chicago, and I won’t be back until Sunday night. I really hope to make a post or two from the convention, but no guarantees!

I wanted to at least make some sort of attempt at a post today, so I thought I’d share a positive. Last weekend (not the one we just got through, but the one before) I went out with a coworker for dinner to chat. She is one of the very few people at my work place that I’d consider a friend, and she is very quickly transitioning from “friend from work” to “close friend”. While we were out, I spilled to her the fact that I was going to therapy, what had been going on at work, and that I really wasn’t happy with my life. She was very supportive and listened, and shared some of her own experiences with depression and stories of friends that dealt with anxiety.

This most recently past Friday, a week after we had dinner and gabbed until 12:30 in the morning (really late for both of us!), I received a card from her through the company mail system. Inside she had wrote me some very encouraging words, and I really wanted to share them here:

Card

I am very grateful to have stumbled into my current job if only because it has led me to meet such a wonderful and supportive person at a time in my life when I need friends who really believe in me and support me in making major life changes for my own well being.

In other news, I go to my first Yoga class tonight! Eek! My stomach is a mess already. I’ve never done any sort of organized work out class because of my anxiety, but Amy has told me Yoga will help a lot with my breathing and with my stress/anxiety levels, so I’m going to give it a shot!  She also recommend this particular Yoga instructor, as she is the instructor she had when she started doing Yoga! I’m only going once a week, on Monday nights, because that is what currently works with my schedule. I hope to bump that up at time goes on, though!

So, yes, convention this week, so I’m going to be a busy, anxious, exhausted mess most of the week! I can’t wait though, conventions always rock and are such a great way to get out of the norm of every day life!  Hoping to come home feeling recharged and ready to face life with a fresh and positive perspective ^_^

Hope everyone has a great Monday!

 

 

 

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Burning Out – A Rant

I may get fired today. All I want to do is walk out of my office and yell at the top of my lungs: “You’re all a bunch of freaking morons! I give you all permission to go FUCK yourselves!” I’m pretty sure that means I’m on the verge of burn out, if I’m not already there.

Aside from the above overwhelming feeling of anger, my Facebook statuses today have been:

 If you can’t be bothered to save IMPORTANT email addresses in Outlook to your Contacts, and then something goes wrong and the magic, temporary “quick list” doesn’t work when you start to type a name in the “To:” field.. Don’t whine to me, because, honestly, I give absolutely no fucks. It’s your own freaking fault for not saving them if they were that damn important! Lazy freaking idiots..

And..

Also, we have a TICKET SYSTEM for you to submit your issues to. USE IT if you expect me to help you. If you can’t be bothered to submit the issue correctly so I can track the damn thing, screw off, I’ve got more important things to do then bend over backwards for you when you can’t even be bothered to take 5 extra minutes to SUBMIT IT CORRECTLY. #@%$ >_<

Ya, I am not a happy person today. I almost called in and took a mental health day. I thought about it for probably 30 minutes this morning before coming in, and decided I wouldn’t. But, the longer I’m here, and the more emails I get about stupid problems sent in by ungrateful people, the more I realize I should have.

Since I started on anti-depressants and my mood has come up from the depths, I’ve really began to understand how much I really, really don’t like my job. I’d like to note that this is not because it’s a terrible, god-awful job that no one could be extremely happy in, I’m just saying I’m not that specific person. Also, due to the political nature of how I even got this job, I’m pretty sure I’m not the best person for it to begin with. Maybe I was the first year or two, but now it needs someone else. Someone who can shake things up and make some much needed changes. I can’t be that person, for a variety of reasons.

For the last year or so I thought my dislike of my job was simply due to my own depression and anxiety. I thought “Well, maybe, just maybe, if I get to feeling better I will enjoy it more!”.

That was a fun lie while it lasted.

Once the anti-depressants started kicking in I started to understand how truly bored and frustrated I am with my job. I had a very long talk with a coworker friend the other night over ice cream about my job and the stuff I’ve had to deal with, and she agreed it sounds like complete rubbish and she doesn’t blame me for wanting out of it.

The thing that has a really torqued me off is not necessarily my end users and their inability to grasp the simplest instructions or even the fact that sometimes I get reported for “not doing my job” even though I DID do my job and the idiot reporting otherwise is just doing something on their end WRONG or they just want me to do more than my fair share.

No, what really bothers me is that my boss tells me I need to be more of a “manager” (though, he’s quick to follow that up with the fact that I am NOT management) and take more responsibility for our tech vendors and their shit. OK, fine, whatever. The problem with this is that one of our vendors has been doing IT for our company since the company started up, and I, in fact, used to work for this other IT company and that’s how I landed this job. The unfortunate fact of the matter is my boss believes this company can do not wrong and goes to them all the time for things.. things he should NOT go to them for.

Basically, this last year I got my shit together and asked for a raise. I gave him a range of pay I thought would be fair for me to be making. What did my boss do with my request? He went to this IT vendor and asked THEM if it made sense for me to make that much! I have never felt so stepped on in my life. I went through hours and hours of work, putting together a massive amount of information on how AWESOME of a job I do and how my workload has increased over 500% since I started working, and he praised me about what a wonderful job I did putting the info together and how it was obvious I was an amazing employee.. and then he goes and asks an OUTSIDE VENDOR who I am supposed to MANAGE on a daily basis what the fuck I should be making.

-_-;

Ya, needless to say I’m not happy, and my latest want is to get out of this job. And, I apologize for this random rant, but I had to get it out somewhere, otherwise I’d end up packing my things up in a box this afternoon and going home.  Unfortunately, I can’t do that yet, as I need the health insurance to continue my therapy. And I need to get well before I can venture out into the big ‘ole world again. The more I am in therapy, the more I feel justified in feeling that I’m to bright and to creative to be wasting away at this job.

If you made it all the way through that I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I’ll try to make my next entry a little happier!

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2012 in Burn Out, Mental Health, Stress, Work

 

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