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Tag Archives: Happiness

The Plan – Steps to My Career Break

So, here’s the loosely put together plan. It will be a lot more solid by the end of the month.

November 2012 – Start selling all large worldly possessions that can not fit into my childhood bedroom. (sofa, kitchen table, etc) and give whatever I can’t sell to ex-significant other for his new place. Announce the intended plans and the breakup to close friends?

December 2012 – Move back in with parents (if the world ends I’m going to be sooo miffed!), make sure all utilities and services in my name are cancelled or transferred appropriately. NOTE: Also, see midnight showing of The Hobbit to really psych myself for going to NZ!!

January 2013 – Adjust to commuting 25-30 minutes to work. Ramp up savings to reflect no rent, no utilities, and keep in mind that the higher cost of commuting to work. Pay off car loan.

February 2013 – Start getting together equipment: Backpack, new hiking boots, appropriate clothing, etc. Apply for New Zealand Working Holiday Visa.

March 2013 – Settle on an insurance provider for both US coverage and International coverage. Decide on exact departure date and start seriously looking at purchasing a one way ticket. Get all necessary booster shots and a complete physical.

April 2013 – Be super nice and give employer 2 months notice? Announce to friends/family/everyone who doesn’t know that aren’t coworkers that I am leaving for New Zealand soonish.  Start selling off remaining items that can be sold (TV, TV stand, bed, computer desk, etc). Buy new laptop for trip! Weee!

May 2013 – See about getting 3 months worth of my prescription prescribed to help mitigate cost of medication for a couple of months after quitting in June. Get new national and international insurance  signed up for so there is not break in coverage. Last Day of Work and my 28th Birthday on the 31st!!

June 2013 – Originally I had thought to have my last day on the 1st of June because that was my 4 year anniversary with the company. But since May 31st is my birthday, plus it falls on Friday and June 1st is on a Saturday, what better way to ring in my birthday and quit my job then doing it all on a Friday? This month is going to be either very crazy or very relaxed, as I’m planning on going to Portland, OR at the end of the month for LeakyCon 2013. I will either fly out there or take a crazy road trip to it with a friend I met at the LC 2012 who wants to see more of the US. Also have to decide whether or not to sell my car.

July 2012/August 2012 – Flying to New Zealand to start a new phase in my life!

 
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Posted by on October 17, 2012 in Life, Travel

 

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Life is Hard – Change is Harder

The last month has been a rough battle of internal turmoil and decision making. I haven’t written here for fear of the wrong person seeing the stuff I wanted to spill out before I was ready to talk about it.

Last night I shared with my significant other my plans for the future and how they didn’t involve him. After nearly three years together, I told him I would be going my own way next year so that I can start out on my journey to see the world. It was a hard declaration to make.

The feeling of fear I woke up with this morning at the realization that I’ve begun ripping my tidy, safe world apart just so I can start moving towards my dreams is indescribable. I feel guilty for wanting to do this and for telling him it was time for us to start down this path of seperation. I feel guilty that our lease is up January 1st and he has to find a place to live in two months that he can afford, while I’m taking the easy route and moving back in with my parents. I feel scared that I’m making the wrong decision. I’m afraid that I’ll regret this.

Have I gone insane? What reasonable person would give up an agreeable living arrangement with one of the few decent human beings on the planet to wander off into the big unknown alone? What is wrong with me that I can’t just be happy with a nice guy, a good job, a lovely apartment, and two sweet cats?

Breathe.

I’m very sure I need to do this. Even if I fail in the end, I need to at least try. Even though I feel supremely selfish in my decision to chase after my own happiness over keeping him happy, I know that this is the right decision and that if I don’t do it now I will never do it and I will resent everyone involved. I need to learn to put myself first. To quit playing mom to everyone who is hurting at the expense of my own happiness and well being. I have to stop trying to squish myself into the mold society has selected for me when I, very obviously, don’t fit in it.

All this being said, the plan is to leave for New Zealand in July/August of 2013. I will be getting a working holiday visa and plan to travel and work there for 6-12 months. I then hope to hop over to Thailand for a bit, and then maybe visit some friends in Europe. This is all dependent upon cost, of course, and one of the reason’s I’m moving back in with my parents is so I can put the maximum amount of my money into savings over the next several months.

I know a lot of people will think I’m crazy for doing this. So far the people I have chosen to tell what’s going on have been very supportive and think it’s great that I’m going (except my parents who are terrified for me!) so that’s been helpful. Now it’s just a matter of getting through the next couple of months with my significant other and tying up all the loose ends. It’s going to be an emotional time, but I hope we’ll both come out the other end only lightly scathed.

Hopefully now that I’ve started this phase of personal change I will be able to post a little more regularly again. I hope everyone is well and that everyone is in a less stressful place then I am at the moment!

 
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Posted by on October 15, 2012 in Burn Out, Depression, Life, Stress, Travel

 

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Inspiration: MOVE

I have made my decision. I am going to take a career break to travel. So far, most of the people that know me have been very supportive of this idea and think it is just what I need. I haven’t decided how long the break will be, or all the specifics. I do have a few specific places in mind, and I’m going to give myself 6 – 9 months before I quit my job and leave. I also have to take into account finances and all that jazz.

I will be doing this solo for part, if not all of, the trip. I am excited and terrified at the the same time! Most of all, though, I’m happy about it. I’m happy I can finally make this decision for myself.

As I make more concrete plans and have more thoughts on the topic of long term travel I will be posting them here 🙂

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2012 in Travel

 

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Leaving the Past Behind

I had a breakthrough on Saturday afternoon. I was talking to a long time online friend and I got to talking about the past, and how I missed it. See, when I was 12 and first got on the internet I started collecting friends who were usually kids a couple of years younger than me. These friends usually had a lot of problems. Depression stemming for things like child abuse or neglect, suicidal thoughts, self harm, etc. My therapist and I had talked through all this and she had told me I basically became a mother to these friends, because I was the one there to listen, advise and comfort because they had no one else. As a child, I could never separate myself emotionally from their problems, so I would become depressed and terrified for their safety and it would add huge amounts of stress to my life. I still invest myself to emotionally in other people’s problems today, though I’m slowly getting better about it.

Well, this friend I was talking to is one of those friends I helped take care of then. I told her how hard it was lately, how I missed having her and the others to take care of. How I felt like I wasn’t a good friend anymore because everyone had grown up and didn’t need me like they used to. I felt guilty for feeling that way, because I am also so proud of all of them, because they went through so much and they are productive people today working on fixing their problems. I felt lost and broken without being able to be that person anymore. I, at some point, started to have a break down as I was telling her these things, which I really needed to do. I had been thinking about this stuff a lot over the last year, and every time I did I felt like crying but just couldn’t bring myself too. I didn’t really know why I wanted to cry until I started letting it out to her.

I sobbed, I hyperventalated, my head hurt by the time the tears stopped. But I feel better now. I feel like I can let it go and move on. It was something that weighed heavy on my heart and my self worth, and I don’t think I could have really gotten past it without being able to talk to one of the friends involved about it. I think I had to do that to really see that I was still seen as a good friend, even though I am no longer anyone’s emotional crutch.

Like the awesome friend she is, she talked me through stuff and comforted me. We talked about her struggles and how she is doing so much better now. She has worked through some of the same issues I’m currently working through and is healthier than I am today, which is quite the switch from 10+ years ago when we were kids.

Sometimes it’s very hard for me to separate my self-worth from what I do for other people. If I’m not helping or being useful to someone I don’t feel like I’m worth much. To be honest, it’s near impossible to feel like anything you are doing is worth much of anything when you have had periods in your life where you have actually kept people from killing themselves just because you are that person’s only friend.  An 8-5 job just seems like a waste of time when someone out there, in the same situation, doesn’t have a friend to talk to.

I am slowly realizing that I can’t save everyone. That I have to stop being so codependent. That I can’t be that person all the time because it makes me unhealthy and unhappy. I have to learn to not base my self worth on the happiness of other people, because I will always be unhappy if I do that. It’s a hard lesson for me to learn, but it’s starting to sink in. I deserve to be happy and to take care of myself before others. There is nothing selfish about that, there is nothing wrong with it.

This was kind of a rambling post, but I needed to get it out there. Thanks for sticking around through it if you did 🙂

 
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Posted by on September 3, 2012 in Depression, Mental Health

 

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Yeah, I Can Do That!

I love this video. Not because it’s hilarious that this random guy off the street was able to fool hundreds of people into believing he was a celebrity, but because it’s such a great example of being able to be whoever you want to be in this day in age.

A lot of us are working very hard to become the healthy, well-adjusted people who are true to who we are and we are struggling. We are trying to work through the way we perceive ourselves and the way we believe others perceive us. Most days all we can see is a person who has trouble functioning in normal situations and who is a failure.

But this guy here, while he may not suffer from anything other than an over inflated ego at this point, went out there and became what he wanted to be with very little effort. Of course, this was temporary and cost him some money, but it’s just an example of how easily we can remake ourselves in this (slightly gullible) world.

My dad and I had a discussion the other night that really made me think about what I could do with my life. He said to me, “River, all you have to do is want to do something. You just have to be the person that says ‘Yeah, I can do that.’ and you will be able to do it.” My dad currently runs his own business doing conservation work for farmers and runs tile (plastic tubing for drainage) for water ways. He informed me that the first time he laid tile for a customer he had never done it before, he just knew if he applied himself he could do it. Why? Because other people were doing it and he was capable of doing anything any other human being could do.

This is probably one of the most valuable things my dad has ever told me and I don’t think it would have hit as hard if it had been my therapist that had told it to me.

Still a big change coming tonight, still freaking out a little. But I’m excited! Can’t wait to share it with you all tomorrow ^_^

 

 

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Never A Right Time For Change

I am going to do something crazy (for me) tomorrow that I’m hoping will be another step toward my independence from my social anxiety. I’m hoping I don’t chicken out, but I’m definitely freaking out a little bit! It’s not something so drastic as quitting my job, but it’s a major step in expressing my real self and bringing me out of hiding. If I go through with it, you will find out what it was in a post on Friday. If I don’t, the post on Friday will be something lame and you should all tell me what a chicken I am!! 🙂

Hope everyone is having a good week! Don’t forget to breathe deep!

 

 

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Don’t Settle

 
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Posted by on August 20, 2012 in Creativity, Mental Health, Therapy, Work

 

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